My first thought was to discuss gay marriage, because I have quite an opinion on the matter. I decided not to go that route this time, though. I know we've all had about enough of that discussion on all sides of the issue. Maybe another day.
Tonight I thought I'd tackle a reality that Christians don't often talk about. At least not in my experience. Spiritual numbness. It's a term I thought up tonight, though I'm sure it's already been coined by someone somewhere at some point.
For my purpose, I liked dictionary.com's third and fourth definitions of numb:
3. incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate
4. lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent
Before you stone me, please know that I want to feel something. I fully believe that Christ died for our sins and that He alone bridges the gap between heaven and hell. But it's been really hard for me to feel passionate about that lately. This morning during our Easter service, I admittedly felt...nothing. No tears, no deep contemplation, no touch of the Holy Spirit. Typically, all of these things would happen for me in church, especially in an Easter service. Yet if I'm being brutally honest, it would have been just as well for me to be at home. I got nothing from the service and I gave nothing to the service.
It's mostly my own fault. I have been so busy with my life that I've failed to make time for Him on a regular basis. I pray here and there throughout my day, but it's mostly half-assed. I know that that is wrong. I take full responsibility for that.
I realize that I can't blame the world, or the church (here I mean the universal body of believers, not the church that I go to), or anyone else, but if I'm being real with you I have to say that part of the problem is my perception of the church lately. I've seen so much hate spread in the name of Jesus that it has absolutely sickened me. Yes, that does include the gay marriage issue, but also so much more. We preach love, and we practice condemnation, prejudice, and discrimination. We preach that the world has "watered down" the gospel, and yet we make it say things that it never said and never meant. We say that we want butts in the pews and yet we turn people away that don't fit our mold. We've created God in our image instead of the other way around.
Quite frankly, it's almost made me ashamed to say that I'm a Christian. Not because I'm ashamed of Christ. But because I'm ashamed of "His people" as a whole. I don't want to be associated with bigots. I want to be associated with the Christ who invites you to come as you are, and then allow him to transform you from the inside out. I want to be associated with the Christ who allows for human error and forgives our transgressions. I want to be associated with the Christ who desires surrender and submission but never takes away freedom of choice (for if we are not given a choice but mandated to live a certain way, are we really making "good" decisions?). I want to be associated with the Christ who taught His followers to love their neighbors as themselves. I want THAT Christ.
I know that that Christ exists. And I know that the entire church isn't composed of bigots. But it's easy to get discouraged when they seem to have the loudest voice in our Christian population. I want to be a voice that stands out against the status quo. The funny thing is that they think that people like me are "liberal" (which I may be), "loose" (which I'm not), or even a "false teacher" (definitely not). The funnier thing is that I think the individuals that I'm talking about are the ones who are doing the "false teaching".
I've said all that to describe to you why I've kinda been out of it. But having said and read all that, I realize that I too have said and done some pretty stupid things in the name of Jesus. It's easy for me to love unbelievers, but it's admittedly sometimes hard for me to love believers that I disagree with. Getting all this off my chest has helped me realize that I shouldn't let the actions (or inactivity) of others dictate the quality of my relationship with God. It's not about them. It's about God.
Nevertheless, I think spiritual numbness is a real thing. Some of us go through it for reasons I've mentioned here. Sometimes I think it can be caused or at least exacerbated by a state of depression, or an overwhelming time in our lives. I think that the important thing is that we keep pressing on, and trying to worship our Lord even when we don't "feel" anything. I think He understands that. After all, He did live as a man and He was tempted. Although he didn't sin, I think He knows what we go through.
Those of you that pray, please pray for me that my heart will be softened, both towards God and towards other believers.
I'd love comments, from Christians and nonChristians alike. What's your take on what I've said? Have you ever felt "spiritually numb" before?
Feel free to message me in private if you're not comfortable commenting publicly.
