Our breathing should be as prayers, our destination should always be His feet...

A little child can not do a bad drawing. In the same way, a child of God can not do a bad prayer.- Brennan Manning

My husband used this quote today as he opened his sermon on Love (I Corinthians 12:4-8). I have long loved this quote. It comes from Manning's book The Ragamuffin Gospel. I won't take his direct thoughts or developments on the quote, but if you'd like some insight into his sermon, give my husband a shout-- I'm sure he'd love to share it. https://www.facebook.com/jason.l.pate

Here are my thoughts...a child can do no bad drawing not because of his or her own nature...a child can do no bad drawing because of the nature of the recipient. Our pride in our children and their burgeoning abilities colors our view of the drawing. Just as children of God cannot do a bad prayer not because of our greatness, but because of the greatness of the Recipient. I think that He is proud just because we have come to his feet! Our prayers, petitions, praises...even conversation that involves anger, frustration, and disappointment! Do you believe that? I do.

Another book that I read that was really influential to me is Thin Places by Tracy Balzer. She focuses on the faith of the early Christian Celts. I highly recommend that you read it for yourself, but to give a little insight, the Christian Celts were very devout; some may think in a legalistic manner, but I disagree because the passion for communion with God superceded rules. For many of them, they were so passionate about communion with God that their very breath was as a prayer; every moment was spent with God and it became second nature.

I think that modern Christians are afraid to live this way for a few different reasons. For one, we are really lazy by nature. Or, at least I am, admittedly. For another reason, we forget that God wants us. He really, genuinely, wants us. He wants to be in our presence and us to acknowledge his presence. I think that God knows that we will not always be happy with him. He, more than anyone, understands our human nature. And He rejoices when we come.

So pray. Even if you're not happy with Him. Even if in this moment you don't like Him. Pray if your life is crumbling before your eyes. Pray if you can't get out of bed.

Pray. Pray if this is the best time of your life and you can't imagine things any other way. If you're in love and you don't have a negative thought in your mind. Go to him. 

May your breath be as a prayer, never ceasing. Because you can't do a bad prayer if you're a child of God.

It's for me, too

Psalm 103:6: The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.

In my line of work, it's super easy to become mentally, physically, spiritually exhausted. Why, you ask? One reason is the simple fact that we are expected to maintain certain -lofty- numbers. The main reason though is because we spend our days working with, consoling, educating, validating the mentally ill; some of them suffer with Major Depression, some of them deal with the crippling psychosis that comes with Schizophrenia. That's not to say that it's a pain to work with them, but it can exacerbate one's own preexisting symptoms. Sometimes, admittedly, I feel like a bit of a hero...and other times, I feel like crap, thinking that I'm not making a difference. The above verse is one that I have painted and hanging in my office, kind of like a banner representing why I do what I do.

But something hit me today, in the midst of my own (lifting) depressive episode. Those words are not just for "them"--it's for me, too. The Lord is working in me and will use this for good later-- my own, or someone else's. I'm not saying I'm "oppressed" by a person or by society or any of those things-- but oppressed mentally, bound by the shackles of my depression.

So if you're in the midst of something, too, remember that the Lord works righteousness, justice, and good through bad situations.

Everytime I cry to sleep, you're weeping with me.

I've started to write this so many times, and then stopped. Somewhat because I'm lazy, and somewhat because I'm scared. Nervous. Wondering what people will think. I'm being completely transparent and vulnerable and I'm asking for some respect. I welcome comments and conversation but anything disrespectful to me or sufferers of mental illness will not be taken lightly. I'm just gonna dive in now...

I suffer from mental illness. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, and oftentimes I never knew why I was depressed, specifically. When I was about 14 I went to the doctor and started on my first antidepressant-- Lexapro. And so started my journey in the mental health realm.

I could tell you lots of stories and give you lots of instances, but I'll shorten the story a bit. Over time, my symptoms became worse, and a few months ago, at 23, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Some of you will understand what that means, and others won't. If you know, please excuse me while I briefly explain.

Individuals with Bipolar II (which differs from Bipolar I) experience periods of both depression and hypomania. It can look a little bit different for each individual, though many qualities are shared among those with the disorder. For me, I experience periods of intense depression-- specifically, unexplained guilt, hopelessness, sadness, lack of energy, lack of interest in hobbies, tearfulness, etc-- as well as periods of hypomania. For me, that looks like hyperactivity, spontaneity, silliness, overly goal-directed behavior (working my rear off), and my craziness that some of you have gotten to see under the right circumstances. With all of this, I have immense anxiety from time to time--so much that it is hard to work because I can't concentrate well. And my depression is so crippling that it's hard to even get out of bed or take care of my son. Nothing seems real. It's like a really, really bad dream.

Thankfully, I'm on some meds, but unfortunately, they can't fix everything. For about a week now, I've been in an intense depression mixed with anxiety. I'll have moments where I don't see the point in living and I just want to give it all up. I'm not going to kill myself and this is not a cry for help. I'm simply explaining how I feel.

All of this sounds selfish, right? I have everything in the world to live for. While I've known hard times and had a few sticky situations in my childhood, I've never known tragedy personally. I have a loving, dedicated, hardworking husband and a darling son. I have a mom who is my #1 fan. I have a home, a car, a job, a bank account, a brain in my head and a lot of potential. But those of us with mental illness don't always see that. Our neurons fire all kinds of crazy and sometimes we think it would be so much easier if we weren't here.

The easy answer I get a lot is this: "Pray! You just need to pray about it!" And others say that those who are faithful to God know happiness and not defeat (THAT IS A LIE). The truth is, I have prayed about it. I do pray about it. And my problems don't go away. But it does help. I can guarantee you this, if it weren't for my relationship with God, and loved ones spending time in prayer for me, I would not be here. I would have given up months ago. Somehow, I'm hanging on. Some days it's by a thread, but I am hanging on.

I have found in the last few days that I have drawn closer to God in my defeat. Yes, it's because I'm begging for relief and comfort, but at least I'm coming to him. I think that he wants us to draw closer to him in hardship. My biggest comfort this week has been the song Solid Ground by The Museum. Here is my favorite verse and the chorus:

Every time I wander off, You're looking for me Every time I cry to sleep, You're weeping with me Every time I get back up, You're dancing with me Even in the eye of the storm I look to You, beloved I'm Yours 

All I see is a hurricane All I feel is an earthquake When I'm weak, You are stronger now So I walk on water like it's solid ground I walk on water like it's solid ground 

 I have to believe that God has a plan for me through all this. I have to believe. Because if I don't, my mind plays tricks on me to make me think that I have nothing.

Spiritual Numbness

It's been awhile. Oftentimes when I get an idea for a post, I either decide against it or I simply forget. I've had several requests for more, so here's my attempt.

My first thought was to discuss gay marriage, because I have quite an opinion on the matter. I decided not to go that route this time, though. I know we've all had about enough of that discussion on all sides of the issue. Maybe another day.

Tonight I thought I'd tackle a reality that Christians don't often talk about. At least not in my experience. Spiritual numbness. It's a term I thought up tonight, though I'm sure it's already been coined by someone somewhere at some point.

For my purpose, I liked dictionary.com's third and fourth definitions of numb:
3. incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate

4. lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent

Before you stone me, please know that I want to feel something. I fully believe that Christ died for our sins and that He alone bridges the gap between heaven and hell. But it's been really hard for me to feel passionate about that lately. This morning during our Easter service, I admittedly felt...nothing. No tears, no deep contemplation, no touch of the Holy Spirit. Typically, all of these things would happen for me in church, especially in an Easter service. Yet if I'm being brutally honest, it would have been just as well for me to be at home. I got nothing from the service and I gave nothing to the service.

It's mostly my own fault. I have been so busy with my life that I've failed to make time for Him on a regular basis. I pray here and there throughout my day, but it's mostly half-assed. I know that that is wrong. I take full responsibility for that.

I realize that I can't blame the world, or the church (here I mean the universal body of believers, not the church that I go to), or anyone else, but if I'm being real with you I have to say that part of the problem is my perception of the church lately. I've seen so much hate spread in the name of Jesus that it has absolutely sickened me. Yes, that does include the gay marriage issue, but also so much more. We preach love, and we practice condemnation, prejudice, and discrimination. We preach that the world has "watered down" the gospel, and yet we make it say things that it never said and never meant. We say that we want butts in the pews and yet we turn people away that don't fit our mold. We've created God in our image instead of the other way around.

Quite frankly, it's almost made me ashamed to say that I'm a Christian. Not because I'm ashamed of Christ. But because I'm ashamed of "His people" as a whole. I don't want to be associated with bigots. I want to be associated with the Christ who invites you to come as you are, and then allow him to transform you from the inside out. I want to be associated with the Christ who allows for human error and forgives our transgressions. I want to be associated with the Christ who desires surrender and submission but never takes away freedom of choice (for if we are not given a choice but mandated to live a certain way, are we really making "good" decisions?). I want to be associated with the Christ who taught His followers to love their neighbors as themselves. I want THAT Christ.

I know that that Christ exists. And I know that the entire church isn't composed of bigots. But it's easy to get discouraged when they seem to have the loudest voice in our Christian population. I want to be a voice that stands out against the status quo. The funny thing is that they think that people like me are "liberal" (which I may be), "loose" (which I'm not), or even a "false teacher" (definitely not). The funnier thing is that I think the individuals that I'm talking about are the ones who are doing the "false teaching".

I've said all that to describe to you why I've kinda been out of it. But having said and read all that, I realize that I too have said and done some pretty stupid things in the name of Jesus. It's easy for me to love unbelievers, but it's admittedly sometimes hard for me to love believers that I disagree with. Getting all this off my chest has helped me realize that I shouldn't let the actions (or inactivity) of others dictate the quality of my relationship with God. It's not about them. It's about God.

Nevertheless, I think spiritual numbness is a real thing. Some of us go through it for reasons I've mentioned here. Sometimes I think it can be caused or at least exacerbated by a state of depression, or an overwhelming time in our lives. I think that the important thing is that we keep pressing on, and trying to worship our Lord even when we don't "feel" anything. I think He understands that. After all, He did live as a man and He was tempted. Although he didn't sin, I think He knows what we go through.

Those of you that pray, please pray for me that my heart will be softened, both towards God and towards other believers.

I'd love comments, from Christians and nonChristians alike. What's your take on what I've said? Have you ever felt "spiritually numb" before?

Feel free to message me in private if you're not comfortable commenting publicly.

I haven't forgotten...

I haven't forgotten about blogging! In fact, my head is spinning with so many ideas that I'm dying to sit down and post.  My family is in the process of moving, however, and we are supposed to be out of the house by Monday (Monday!).  With packing, cleaning, and chasing a crawler all day, it's proving to be an arduous task.  As soon as I have more time to sit down and breathe, I will be posting. Probably a lot.  Topics to come include my struggle with weight, questions I have regarding faith and our culture, and spanking...yes, I said spanking.  I hope to post within the next couple days!

Introduction

**EDIT 9/1/13: I have since decided to not be anonymous. I'll be myself and hope that that is okay. I fully welcome comments and discussion on anything, I just ask for everyone involved to be respected.


So...I've had it on my mind a long time to do something like this, and now that I have the page before me I can't seem to gather my thoughts.  Hopefully over time this will become more natural...if you're reading, please hang in there!

I'm a Christian, and I'm not ashamed of the gospel.  In fact, I'm married to a minister.  I [sometimes]enjoy church and always enjoy spending time with fellow believers.  But for some time now I've felt somewhat uncomfortable, even stifled.  And then, a few days ago, it hit me.  I can't really be me.  I have to pretend that I don't like the things I like.  I have to censor what I say and what I post on Facebook.  Because if I don't, I risk bringing reproach onto my husband.  We are expected to fit a certain mold and keep up with appearances.  But  I don't sit around watching Little House on the Prairie or reading Janette Oke novels like some people expect me to do (not that there's anything wrong with either).  I jam out to rock music.  I enjoy the comedy of Will Ferrell.  I get caught up in the intricate plots of "no-no" books like Harry Potter, Twilight (yes, Twilight, but for the record I'm not a Twi-Hard or a Twi-Tard and I'm Team Jacob), The Hunger Games, and House of Night.  I roll in the floor laughing at the "inappropriate" humor of the Big Bang Theory, and I like it (the TV show, not necessarily the ideology).  I don't believe that drinking alcohol in and of itself is a sin, and in fact, I enjoy a good margarita every now and then.  I have several LGBTQ friends and I will defend them.  Politically, I'm liberal.  But if I let any of these things slip, I'd be seen differently by the church.  I'd be someone who waters down the gospel, or doesn't know it at all.  I'd be viewed as a bad mother.  I wouldn't be allowed to serve in the church.  In my opinion, something is wrong with this picture, but unless things change I must go on living the way I do.

So this page is a respite for me.  A place for me to say what I really think.  I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say.  Many of my friends are very conservative.  Some of my friends are atheists.  It's not that I'm looking for a path of least resistance, or freedom from opposition.  But what I do want is to be able to discuss things respectfully with my peers, without name-calling or demoralization.  To debate with people who are mature and intelligent enough to do their research and not simply argue a point that was implanted into their heads by their parents or the church and was never given second thought.

I try to respect the people who oppose individuals like myself and our interests, because if I'm being honest here, I used to be just like them.  But over time, armed with a liberal arts education, and being around open-minded individuals, I changed.  And perhaps not all the changes were for the better.  But I like to think that I am a better person as a whole because of it.  I do struggle though. Big time.  I struggle with the intricate balance of truth and grace.  So if you pray, I ask you to pray for me in that area.

This post has been all over the place, and I apologize.  I will strive for better organization next time.  So, after this initial post, what are your thoughts?  Comments and questions are more than welcome!

PS- I'm trying to keep my identity somewhat anonymous to the general public, so if I've invited you here, please do not mention my full name or anything about my family! Thank you kindly!

PPS- You will need an account to comment, so if you don't have one, please make one! Google accounts are free, quick, and easy!